Never thought these two would have been any trouble.

As Dave Chapelle might say, what's really sad is that they're doing it all for us.

OH WHAT A NIGHT

Thursday night might have been crazy in Iowa, but it was a wild one on both Coasts as well. Britney lost her kids and we did a session with Get Help - coincidence? Well, yeah, but it's still fun to compare the relative time lines of Britney's night and ours. I didn't adjust for the time difference between New York and LA 'cause then it doesn't work, and time is relative anyhow.

6:30 p.m.: Tony has arrived at Smoke and Mirrors (Mike is already present). We all discuss how cold it is outside. In Los Angeles it's 75 and sunny.

7 p.m.: Britney's scheduled time to hand over custody of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 15 months, to Kevin Federline's bodyguard. In Brooklyn, we are scheduled to to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:02 p.m. K-Fed's bodyguard attempts to remove the children. Chris attempts to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:11 p.m.: Chris attempts to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:12 p.m.: Spears refuses to release her babies to Federline's muscle. Mike asks Chris why he doesn't try the "Stomach" edit on the downbeat; Chris has no response.

8:30 p.m.: Police arrive at Spears' home after being called about a "custodial dispute." In Brooklyn, the outside temperature has dropped to 16 degrees, but the Accuweather Real Feel Temperature is more like 6.

8:35 p.m. Federline's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, arrives at Spears' crib. At precisely the same time, I leave the studio on a rare Beer and Cigarettes run. Tony pays.

8:36 p.m.: Damn! It's f'ng cold.

8:42 p.m.: I return with 8 beers, 2 malt beverages, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. The change is 75 cents, which I forget to give Tony.

8:43 - 9:00 pm - presumably, Federline's lawyer tries to get his client's Babymama to "do this the easy way." At this point she has the cops, K-Fed's goon and lawyer, and half of the Beverly Hills Fuzz at her house. We've moved on to "Life is Full of Surprises."

9:01 p.m.: We all agree that Tony's vocals sound "great." It occurs to me that we should use Take 1 on Part 2 and Take 2 on Part 1.

9:02 p.m.: Kaplan leaves Spears' home.

9:03 p.m.: Small Chronic Break (both locations)

9:30 p.m.: Ted draws, then renders, a fade between two bits of Mike's vocal on "Town Fires." No one present can "hear the edit," which is good. In Los Angeles the media has mobilized and the Spears Compound is under tight surveillance.

10:08 p.m.: News helicopters hover over Spears' property. Officer Jason Lee of the Los Angeles Police Department observes that she appears to be under the influence of an "unknown substance." You can write your own joke for this one.

10:50 p.m.: The fire department arrives at Spear's hideaway. We prop open the door to the hallway to "get some air."

11:04 p.m.: I tell Buck we need to "call his mother" (Annie). We head toward the back alley in search of a cellphone signal.

11:05 p.m.: Paramedics take a gurney and a backboard into Spears' home. Buck takes Suspicious Chicken to the back alley and refuses to bring it back in.

11:06 p.m.: CBS reports a mental evaluator is also called to Brit's abode. "Thoughts from a room with no windows" reports nothing.

11:25 p.m.: An ambulance pulls into Spears' driveway, parking behind her car. In Brooklyn, the studios alcohol reserves are running low.

11:26 p.m.: We decide to "wrap it up."

11:50 p.m.: An ambulance carrying Spears and other emergency vehicles leave the scene en route to Cedars Sinai Hospital; it's reported that Sean Preston and Jayden James are also taken in for evaluation. Tony and Mike exit 17 Moultrie Street and (presumably) are taken home in an ambulance, other emergency vehicle, or public transportation.

VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK, PART ONE : JED'S OTHER POEM

Here's something everyone should see.

Mikedot and I are deep in a mutual ass kissing fest, conducted entirely over the wire, which is the way I like it. But this isn't just a cheap attempt to win his favor and get the chance to record more of his music. He introduced me to Grandaddy, the band I currently fantasize about fronting, and that's worthy of at least one post.

The great thing about this video, other than the video itself, is that someone made it using the most basic of tools (a 48K Apple II - hell, this post is probably bigger than 48K and only about half as cool). Like a single coil pickup wired straight to a vacuum tube, it's a great example of using minimal technology to delve deep into the heart of the universe. Let the molecules do the work; that's why they're there.