CHRISPY'S OLYMPICS COVERAGE

Today I will start with... snowboarding.

Snowboarding is not a sport. It should not be in the Olympics. According to my standards (the only ones that matter, since this is my Olympics coverage), any activity that is featured in the "X Games" cannot also be in the Olympics. Sorry. It's one or the other.

If you say it's a sport, here's my response:

What are the rules?

What are the rules of snowboarding? It's like skateboarding (also not a sport). There are no rules for skateboarding, you just get on your skateboard, attempt to flip it over, and (unless you're a professional) fail. Then you pick up your skateboard and try, then fail, again. That's not a sport, it's a passtime.

There are some equally questionable "sports" in the Olympics, but at least these have been around for a while, so we'll grandfather clause them in. Luge... OK. You're in, because you've been around longer than MTV, and there's never been a Moutain Dew commercial with a bunch of Lugists. Street luge, maybe, but that's DEFINITELY not a sport.

How do you win at snowboarding? You don't.

Hey - the Americans swept the snowboarding medals at the last winter games!! Of course they did. If you make up the tricks and then get scored based on them, you'll probably win. It would be like if Olympic basketball were scored based on the quality of the dunks. You'd expect the Jordans would clean up in that one.

Watching 5 minutes of Olympic snowboarding is like sniffing glue without getting high. You just feel your neurons atrophy*. What the hell are the announcers saying?

If snowboarding's in, than you better put skateboarding and surfing in too. Bungee jumping and Ultimate Frisbee and taping Dead Shows as well. Then you can just show the Olympics on MTV and ESPN2 and be done with it.

* atrophy - to waste away or decrease in size