GIMME SOME MONEY

Ah, nothing says rock and roll quite like a big old bag of money.

Here they are - the top earners of 2005. This list doesn't include money earned on royalties or from endorsement deals.

#10 - Elton John, $66 million. This motherfucker didn't even record a new album. Made some of this cash in Vegas.

#9 - Dave Matthews Band, $74 million. Who knew hippies had this much cash in their sofas?

#8 - 50 Cent, $79 million. No comment.

#7 - Celine Dion, $81 million. Not bad for someone who's "retired." Almost all of this money was earned through performances at Caesar's in Vegas.

#6 - Paul McCartney, $83 million. Why is it that only the good Beatles had to die?

#5 - The Eagles, $84 million. One of the worst bands ever, in the history of the world. The fact that these guys can make $84 million last year is a testament to the absolute irrelevance of every musician on this list.

#4 - Green Day, $99 million. Somehow they managed to use the corporate rock structure to rail against the corporate structure, to the tune of nearly 100 million bucks. Truly remarkable, not very punk.

#3 - Kenny Chesney, $110 million. Who the hell even knows who this guy is? He was married to Renee Zellwegger for, like, 15 minutes.

#2 - U2, $150 million. The second biggest whores in the music biz. I do like their music, up through "Zooropa." Sold their souls to Apple. Not much left musically.

#1 - The Rolling Stones, $168 million. The biggest whores in the biz. Haven't been musically relevant since the early 80's, but still pull in the big bucks, despite mediocre musicianship and a style that hasn't changed in nearly 30 years. The biggest piece of evidence that the music business has nothing to do with music and everything to do with the corporate structure; there is no one more corporate than the Stones. Somehow they manage to convince their fans that this is really "rock and roll."

When you're charging $100 a piece for tickets to your show, it's easy to rack up numbers like this. Fortunately, as we all know, there's still plenty of room in the music business for smaller acts to be nurtured and encouraged.*

* sarcasm