SMOKIN', SMOKIN'

Tony Alva alerted me that today is the Great American Smoke Out, which is just another example of the The Man trying to ruin My Buzz.

I don't trust big businesses like the American Cancer Society. If they're the Cancer Society, why do they hate Cancer so much? It would be like if Jerry hated his kids. I don't get it.

With the zeal of a newly smitten Tom Cruise, all these ex-smokers talk about being able to finally "catch their breath." Big deal. Being able to catch your breath is overrated. Once you've caught it, what are you supposed to do with it? And isn't all that chasing after your breath good exercise? Do we really want our nation to be more sedentary?

Speaking of exercise, if you've ever gotten out of bed at 3am, dressed, walked down 4 flights of stairs, headed to a deli to buy a pack of Camels, and made it all the way back home, you know what a workout it can be. To deprive smokers of this level of physical activity seems to go against the whole point of the Cancer Society, who seem confused anyhow.

And what about the tobacco companies? If they go out of business, who's going to run their websites that taught me and my peers so much about the health effects of smoking when we were kids? Who's gonna pay for their commercials showing the middle aged, upper middle class gentleman in a tie logging onto their website to learn about the health effects of smoking? By the way, who is that guy, and where has he been for the last 50 years, in an iron lung? He nods so convincingly when he learns that "there is no such thing as a safe cigarette." I don't trust him. I think he's in cahoots with the Cancer people.

There're few things more dangerous than smokers who have recently quit. Think of the potential drop in crime if we not only encourage smokers not to quit, but get more people to start. Not to mention the potential population control aspects. Isn't it getting a little crowded? I can't even get on the L train some mornings.

So, in honor of the Great American Smoke Out, I say light up, Johnny, and let's smoke 'em 'till they're out.