Never thought these two would have been any trouble.

As Dave Chapelle might say, what's really sad is that they're doing it all for us.

OH WHAT A NIGHT

Thursday night might have been crazy in Iowa, but it was a wild one on both Coasts as well. Britney lost her kids and we did a session with Get Help - coincidence? Well, yeah, but it's still fun to compare the relative time lines of Britney's night and ours. I didn't adjust for the time difference between New York and LA 'cause then it doesn't work, and time is relative anyhow.

6:30 p.m.: Tony has arrived at Smoke and Mirrors (Mike is already present). We all discuss how cold it is outside. In Los Angeles it's 75 and sunny.

7 p.m.: Britney's scheduled time to hand over custody of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 15 months, to Kevin Federline's bodyguard. In Brooklyn, we are scheduled to to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:02 p.m. K-Fed's bodyguard attempts to remove the children. Chris attempts to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:11 p.m.: Chris attempts to remove 8 bars from the introduction to "Stomach."

7:12 p.m.: Spears refuses to release her babies to Federline's muscle. Mike asks Chris why he doesn't try the "Stomach" edit on the downbeat; Chris has no response.

8:30 p.m.: Police arrive at Spears' home after being called about a "custodial dispute." In Brooklyn, the outside temperature has dropped to 16 degrees, but the Accuweather Real Feel Temperature is more like 6.

8:35 p.m. Federline's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, arrives at Spears' crib. At precisely the same time, I leave the studio on a rare Beer and Cigarettes run. Tony pays.

8:36 p.m.: Damn! It's f'ng cold.

8:42 p.m.: I return with 8 beers, 2 malt beverages, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. The change is 75 cents, which I forget to give Tony.

8:43 - 9:00 pm - presumably, Federline's lawyer tries to get his client's Babymama to "do this the easy way." At this point she has the cops, K-Fed's goon and lawyer, and half of the Beverly Hills Fuzz at her house. We've moved on to "Life is Full of Surprises."

9:01 p.m.: We all agree that Tony's vocals sound "great." It occurs to me that we should use Take 1 on Part 2 and Take 2 on Part 1.

9:02 p.m.: Kaplan leaves Spears' home.

9:03 p.m.: Small Chronic Break (both locations)

9:30 p.m.: Ted draws, then renders, a fade between two bits of Mike's vocal on "Town Fires." No one present can "hear the edit," which is good. In Los Angeles the media has mobilized and the Spears Compound is under tight surveillance.

10:08 p.m.: News helicopters hover over Spears' property. Officer Jason Lee of the Los Angeles Police Department observes that she appears to be under the influence of an "unknown substance." You can write your own joke for this one.

10:50 p.m.: The fire department arrives at Spear's hideaway. We prop open the door to the hallway to "get some air."

11:04 p.m.: I tell Buck we need to "call his mother" (Annie). We head toward the back alley in search of a cellphone signal.

11:05 p.m.: Paramedics take a gurney and a backboard into Spears' home. Buck takes Suspicious Chicken to the back alley and refuses to bring it back in.

11:06 p.m.: CBS reports a mental evaluator is also called to Brit's abode. "Thoughts from a room with no windows" reports nothing.

11:25 p.m.: An ambulance pulls into Spears' driveway, parking behind her car. In Brooklyn, the studios alcohol reserves are running low.

11:26 p.m.: We decide to "wrap it up."

11:50 p.m.: An ambulance carrying Spears and other emergency vehicles leave the scene en route to Cedars Sinai Hospital; it's reported that Sean Preston and Jayden James are also taken in for evaluation. Tony and Mike exit 17 Moultrie Street and (presumably) are taken home in an ambulance, other emergency vehicle, or public transportation.

VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK, PART ONE : JED'S OTHER POEM

Here's something everyone should see.

Mikedot and I are deep in a mutual ass kissing fest, conducted entirely over the wire, which is the way I like it. But this isn't just a cheap attempt to win his favor and get the chance to record more of his music. He introduced me to Grandaddy, the band I currently fantasize about fronting, and that's worthy of at least one post.

The great thing about this video, other than the video itself, is that someone made it using the most basic of tools (a 48K Apple II - hell, this post is probably bigger than 48K and only about half as cool). Like a single coil pickup wired straight to a vacuum tube, it's a great example of using minimal technology to delve deep into the heart of the universe. Let the molecules do the work; that's why they're there.

GAY SEX AT LOS ANGELES ARENA - FANS WATCH AND CHEAR

Here’s some sports news, taken directly from here:

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/recap?gid=2007123013

To get to the meat of the story, I made a few edits, all of which are clearly marked. Enjoy!


Boston 110, LA Lakers 91

By KEN PETERS, AP Sports Writer
December 31, 2007
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Wearing short shorts and having Hall of Famer Jerry West in the building … the Los Angeles Lakers revive(d) their storied rivalry with the Boston Celtics…

The Lakers introduced West as their honorary captain before the game, showed highlights from past players … and wore throwback, short shorts for the first half…
Boston coach Doc Rivers enjoyed the big screen video.

"I don't know if it spurred anyone on, but it gave everyone a history lesson in some ways… really cool to watch," he said.

He smiled and added, "I told Kobe, the one thing I know from this point on, our generation had better bodies than their generation."

"I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong, but I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half," he (Bryant) said with a grin. “…I felt naked.”

There obviously was a lot of emotion during the game…(the refereess) called seven technical fouls at different junctures.. (including) on coach Rivers and the Lakers' Bryant…

(Rivers) said. "… everyone was excited, both the teams and the refs.”

(Lamar) Odom also was called for a flagrant foul late in the game, with Ray Allen drawing his “technical” (quotation marks added) on the same play (emphasis added).

Allen said of that brief tangle, " I got the rebound and he tackled me.”

(ed. Note – Although thousands of fans cheered as they watched, Allen appears to be denying that he enjoyed the “brief tangle”, implying that he and Odom may not play for the same team.)

He said, “I know this is Sunday, but this is the wrong field."

READ IT AGAIN

A quick lesson in determining if a band is worth its salt: do they know where they fit? If they do, they're worth nothing. If they do what they do and let the listeners and critics catch up, then they're worthy. They're worthy of salt.

- Mike Ingenthron, Stinkrock

HOUSE OF BLONDES IN THE HOUSE

In just a few hours we'll begin doing our part to help bring the second House of Blondes record to fruition.

You know the story - band finishes project and either drifts away or rides the wave of inspiration to create. Fortunately, it appears that the latter has happened to John Blonde and his House.

John and fellow Blonde Paul Reyes have been writing feverishly, using Garageband I believe (more about that little program in another post) and making some pretty good "demos". These days a demo can be a record, and with Garageband in the hands of writers, arrangers, and musicians, there can be a surprising amount of depth in a recording made primarily to write. I have no doubt tracks that John and Paul have already created will find their way into the new record. It's much like what Blonde Mike I. has been doing with His Friend Tony in their band Get Help.

A very productive way to produce, no question.

I'm excited about the new project, at least partly because John seems so excited. Every collaborative effort deserves someone to keep the dream moving forward, and John's the perfect person to play this role. After all, he created the part.

That he would ask us to be involved with the next stage in the Ascent of the House of Blondes is flattering, to say the least.

WHY I LIKE GET HELP

"I suggest as a solution what has worked so well in nearly every other aspect of my life, both personal and professional: more reverb."

-Tony from Get Help, suggesting a way to improve a stubborn mix

ENHANCEMENT

In light of the Mitchell report, I'd like to weigh in on the issue of performance enhancing drugs.

To me, the term "performance enhancing drug" is redundant (except for when it's an oxymoron). You could look at any drug as being performance enhancing; without this pill to lower my blood pressure I'd die, which would affect my performance. I'm a professional but not that professional.

Having a teammate/roadie inject something into your buttocks to help you throw that 98mph fastball/play those 32nd notes is simply a natural consequence of a world that values fastballs/32nd notes. Of course, if we were happy with quarter notes we'd simply use a different type of enhancement. There's a reason the Velvet Underground did speed while the Floyd did... other things.

Caffeine enhances my performance until the Effexor kicks in.

The real question should be who's using drugs to enhance their appreciation of the performance. In other words, without beer, would anyone sit through an entire football game?

Tonight, Strikes Again!

This record (working title "Cure All") is rapidly reaching the finish line. Any day now we're going to look around at each other ("we" being me and whoever still has any hearing left) and say "Sheeet, that's it, eh?" or something like that.

At that point I hope they duplicate it and pass it out. If they don't I will. I've said it before: the reason I really do all this recording is to receive the finished record*, preferably in shrinkwrap, when all is said and done. That's the real payment. Fuck iTunes or CDBaby, I want Product with a big "P". I want to try and decipher the average publishing credit or figure out why I wasn't listed as "Aural Sherpa". I want something to put on the shelf next to the Jerk Alert CD. This is the hardest part of the process, releasing the damn thing. What good is having a baby if you aren't going to show it off at the ice cream social?

I'll say this - musicians have become experts at barcodes. They might spell the name of the studio wrong, they may forget just who did that tambourine overdub, they may even skimp on the shrinkwrap, but they've figured out how to get that barcode on the back of the jewel case (or, increasingly, digipack). Why does The Beast get such a good credit? What did the Dark One ever do for rock and roll?

Oh, that's right. Sorry.


* the term "record" is here used to indicate both compact discs and traditional "vinyl" records. If your music exists solely on the iTunes Music Store, you have not made a "record". You've made a "recording". Any fool with a microphone can make a recording. Make a record.